You’ve read the books. You’ve practiced the scripts. You’ve even rehearsed what to say during your child’s next meltdown.

And then…the moment hits. Your child is yelling, throwing, flailing.

Your body tenses. Your mind blanks. And suddenly, every tool you practiced disappears.

You’re not calm. You’re not grounded. You’re reactive or saying things you promised yourself you’d handle differently.

If that sounds familiar, here’s something really important to understand...This is your nervous system doing its job. It thinks it’s protecting you.

Once you see your reactions through that lens, then you can start to make shifts.

You Don’t Rise to the Level of Your Skills...You Fall to the State of Your Nervous System

Here’s the reality. You can’t use a regulation strategy if you’re already dysregulated.

When your nervous system detects a threat (real or imagined!!) whether it’s your child screaming, a sibling fight escalating, or just your internal stress bubbling over, it kicks into survival mode.

This is your body’s built-in safety system. It’s immediate and powerful.

Your brain temporarily deprioritizes logic, language, and empathy. It gears up to act fast. It’s trying to protect you; not help you respond mindfully.

So, when it feels like your “good parent” brain vanishes in the heat of the moment, it kind of does.

A Real-Life Example: “I Couldn’t Stop Myself.”

On a recent coaching call, a parent shared that her child had run their sibling’s hand under hot water in what seemed like a moment of impulsive anger. It was unclear if it was intentional or reactive, but it immediately set off her internal alarm.

She said:

“I completely flipped out. I yelled. I actually wanted to kill him! I knew it wasn’t helpful, but in the moment, I couldn’t stop myself.”

This wasn’t a lack of care or knowledge. She has been working hard to learn new tools.

But in that intense moment, her nervous system perceived danger and launched her into a reactive state.

The nervous system doesn’t pause to ask, “What’s the best long-term parenting approach here?”

It acts. Fast. To protect.

Later, with support and reflection, she realized that she already had the skills, she just couldn’t reach for them in that moment. Because her body didn’t feel safe enough to access them.

That’s the real work. Not just knowing what to do but learning how to stay grounded enough to actually do it.

Rewiring Takes Time

Here’s the thing (that's super annoying). Shifting from reactive to responsive doesn’t happen overnight.

Most of us have lived years, decades even, with nervous systems that equate intensity or chaos with danger. So, our default is to react fast and big, even when the situation isn’t actually urgent.

Learning to pause, breathe, and respond with intention is a practice.

It takes time to build new neural pathways that tell your body: 

“This isn’t an emergency. I’m allowed to slow down.”

You won’t get there by pushing harder.

You get there by noticing more, by regulating more often, and by giving yourself enough safety to choose a new response, even if it's just one breath longer than last time.

These habits build over time. And slowly, you shift from reacting on autopilot to choosing a response that feels aligned with the kind of parent you want to be.

What You Can Do Instead of Losing It

Here’s how I guide parents through moments like this:

 1. Start with awareness—not judgment.

Instead of, “Why couldn’t I do it differently?”

Try: “My system was overloaded. What was it trying to protect me from?” That question opens the door to curiosity and healing.

 2. Focus on pre-regulation.

Don’t wait for the blow-up. Regulate before you're in the heat of the moment.

This might look like:

• Taking 3 deep breaths before entering a chaotic room
• Doing a 30-second shakeout to reset your energy
• Splashing your face with cold water
• Saying to yourself: “I can meet this moment with steadiness.”

Your body needs to feel safe to stay connected and intentional.

3. Shrink the goal.

In a high-stress moment, don’t aim to use every tool perfectly. Just focus on one grounding step:

• Lower your voice
• Place your hand on your heart
• Step away for 10 seconds and return

 You don’t need to do everything. You just need to stay reachable, to your child, and to yourself.

A Reframe

The next time your mind goes blank or your reactions take over, remind yourself:

“My body is doing what it was designed to do. And I can get myself back into balance, one breath, one pause, one step at a time.”

This is why I focus so much on regulation alongside parenting strategies.

Because it’s not just about what you know, it’s about whether you can access it when it counts.

The Takeaway

When your reactions take over, it doesn’t mean you’re not trying hard enough. It means your body is asking for support.

And that’s something you can practice, strengthen, and shift, over time.

Inside my coaching program, we work on both:

• Tools for parenting with clarity and confidence
• And ways to strengthen your nervous system so those tools are actually usable

Because real change happen in your head AND your body.

If you want support staying grounded, even in the hardest parenting moments, I’d love to help.

In your corner,
Dr. Sarah