Your Child Isn’t Bad. They’re Dysregulated!
One of the hardest things about parenting a child with big behaviors is how easy it is to misinterpret what’s actually going on.
When your child is screaming in your face, pushing every button, or breaking down over what seems like nothing, it can look like:
- Disrespect
- Manipulation
- Defiance
- Overreaction
But what if it’s none of those things?
What if it’s dysregulation?
Because here’s the truth I teach every parent I work with:
Your child isn’t bad. They’re overwhelmed. And their behavior is a signal, not a strategy.
Let’s talk about what dysregulation really is and how seeing it clearly changes your entire approach.
Dysregulation 101: What It Actually Means
Dysregulation is what happens when the nervous system gets overwhelmed.
When your child is in a regulated state, they can think, reason, follow directions, and access the tools you've taught them.
When they’re dysregulated, their brain shifts into survival mode—fight, flight, freeze, or collapse—and all those skills go offline.
They literally can’t access language, logic, or impulse control. That’s not a conscious choice. It’s a nervous system response.
So Why Does It Look Like They're Being Bad?
Because dysregulation doesn’t look like panic. It often looks like:
- Yelling
- Hitting
- Talking back
- Ignoring you
- Running away
- Saying “I hate you”
It feels personal. It looks deliberate.
But it’s not.
It’s a child doing the best they can with the tools they have in the moment.
When your child is dysregulated, they’re not giving you a hard time...they’re having a hard time.
A Real Example: "She's Just Being Difficult"
One parent in my group shared that her daughter would “lose it” over everything...Getting the wrong color cup. Not being first out the door. Her brother looking at her “the wrong way.”
The behavior was explosive. Lots of screaming, door slamming, sometimes throwing objects.
And from the outside, it looked like her daughter was just “being difficult” or “trying to control everything.”
But once we zoomed out, we saw the pattern:
She was already dysregulated before these moments happened. She was often tired, hungry, overstimulated, or emotionally flooded from earlier in the day. And the “wrong color cup” was just the tipping point.
We didn’t need to “fix” her behavior.
We needed to support her nervous system pre-emptively, throughout the day.
What To Look For: Signs of Dysregulation
Kids don’t usually say, “I’m overwhelmed and having a hard time.” Instead, they show it through behavior.
Look for:
- Increased irritability, yelling, or shutting down
- Overreacting to small things
- Defiance that comes out of nowhere
- Sudden withdrawal or refusal to talk
- Restlessness, bouncing, constant movement
- Saying hurtful things that don’t match the moment
- Excessive silliness that is different from usual playfulness
These are all signs of a child who’s lost access to their thinking brain and is stuck in a stress response.
What Helps Instead of Punishment or Pressure?
When your child is dysregulated, traditional discipline won’t work. (And often, it will make things worse.)
Here’s what helps instead:
1. Regulate first, then teach.
You can’t reason with a child whose brain is in survival mode. So, start by co-regulating:
- Soften your voice
- Move slowly
- Get low (physically)
- Use simple, calming phrases like “Let’s take a break” or “I’m right here” (these will depend on the situation)
Once their body calms, then you can reflect, repair, or set limits.
2. Name the state, not just the behavior.
Instead of saying “You’re being disrespectful,” try:
“I can see your body is having a really hard time right now. Let’s take a minute and sit together.”
This helps them build awareness of their own internal state and builds emotional literacy over time.
3. Support the conditions that lead to regulation.
This might mean:
- More structure and predictability throughout the day
- Prepping before transitions (visually and verbally)
- More sensory breaks during the day
- Time outside, movement, or quiet time
- Reducing stimulation (screens, noise, chaos)
Regulation isn’t just something you do in the moment. It’s something you build all day long.
A Reframe To Try
Instead of thinking:
“My child is acting out.”
Try:
“My child is overwhelmed and showing me they need support.”
This simple reframe helps you stay calm, curious, and compassionate, which is exactly what your child needs to borrow in that moment.
The Takeaway
Your child isn't being bad.
They’re communicating the only way they can when their nervous system is maxed out.
And the more we shift from “fixing behavior” to “supporting regulation,” the more we can actually help our kids feel safe enough to learn new skills.
I teach parents how to recognize dysregulation, respond with confidence, and stop the power struggles that leave everyone drained.
Because when you stop reacting to the behavior, and start responding to the nervous system underneath it, the behavior and so much more, changes!