If you are a parent who says:

"We've tried everything, timeouts, rewards, consequences, charts, and nothing works…”

You are not alone.

I hear this from parents all the time.

Here’s a hard truth...

If your child is dysregulated, no “strategy” will “work” until they feel calm enough to process it.

Let’s unpack what’s actually happening when “nothing works” and what to do.

Behavior Is a Signal

First things first: challenging behavior isn’t the problem, it’s the signal.

It’s how kids say: 

• “I’m overwhelmed.”
• “I feel out of control.”
• “I don’t know what to do with what I’m feeling.”
• “I don’t know how to solve this problem.”

When your child is melting down, defying every instruction, or hitting their sibling, they’re not being manipulative.

They’re communicating the best way their overwhelmed brain and body knows how.

The behavior isn’t random.

It’s a red flag from a brain and body in overdrive.

Why Traditional Tools Don't Always Work

If your child’s brain is in a stress state—fight, flight, or freeze—they’re not thinking clearly. They can’t process logic, incentives, or consequences.

So, when we respond with things like:

“If you don’t stop, you’ll lose your screen time.”

“Say you’re sorry or you’re going to your room.”

“You’re making bad choices.”

We are trying to have a rational conversation with someone who’s in the middle of a panic attack.

They can’t access reason. They need regulation.

A Real Example From a Coaching Call

One parent I worked with told me: 

“Every time my son starts to spiral, we go through the checklist—deep breaths, timeouts, consequences. But it honestly gets worse. Nothing seems to stick.”

Once we looked deeper, we realized he was often dysregulated before the behavior even showed up. The meltdowns weren’t sudden; they were the tipping point after hours of subtle stress buildup.

The shift came when his parents stopped trying to manage the behavior in the moment and started supporting his nervous system throughout the day. 

What Actually Helps

When “nothing works,” it’s time to stop aiming for quick fixes and start focusing on regular regulation, connection, and pre-emptive solutions.

Lower the demand.

If your child is already struggling, adding more pressure (even well-intentioned pressure) will likely push them further into meltdown.

Instead, try:

• “I get that this is really hard.”
• “Let’s take a break.”
• “Can I help.”

Regulate before you redirect.

You can’t teach or guide until your child is back in their thinking brain.

Try:

• Sitting silently next to them
• Offering a sensory tool (something to squeeze or hold)
• Using fewer words, slower movements, and lower tone of voice

Think: soothing presence paves the way to solving the problem.

Support the need underneath the behavior.

What’s their behavior really asking for?

Connection? Autonomy? Predictability? Space? 

Behavior is the output of unmet needs.

When you meet the need, the behavior often changes on its own.

A Thought Shift To Try

Instead of asking:

 “How do I make this behavior stop?”

Try asking:

“What does this behavior tell me about what my child needs?”

That one question can completely shift your response from power struggle to partnership.

The Takeaway

When “nothing works,” it’s not because you’re doing something wrong. It’s because your child needs something deeper than behavior correction.

They need connection.

They need co-regulation.

They need to be set up for success.

They need a parent who sees beneath the surface and supports them at a deeper level.

I help parents decode behavior through this lens so they can stop feeling stuck and start creating lasting change at home.

You don’t need more charts. You need a new lens.

In your corner,
Dr. Sarah