If you’ve ever successfully stayed calm during one of your child’s meltdowns and watched them slowly soften in your presence, then you’ve experienced it.

And if you’ve ever totally lost it during your child’s meltdown, yelled, threatened, puffed up and dug in, and watched them escalate even more, then you’ve experienced it too.

This is what I mean when I say: Regulation (and dysregulation) is contagious.

This is neuroscience.

The Science

Your nervous system and your child’s nervous system are in constant dialogue, whether you realize it or not. This is what all of us child behavior parenting specialists mean when we talk about co-regulation. It’s how humans are wired.

When a child (any human) is dysregulated, their brain is flooded with stress signals. They can’t think clearly, communicate well, or control their impulses. In those moments, they need to borrow regulation from you, the more developed adult nervous system, to get back to balance.

But if you’re also dysregulated? Then they don’t have an anchor. They just have another storm to get swept up in.

Studies have shown that even infants, before they understand language, experience elevated heart rates and cortisol levels when they’re exposed to adult yelling or parental conflict.

One study found that babies’ heart rates spike just from hearing their parents argue, even if they’re asleep in another room. Their bodies absorb the stress, whether or not they understand the words.

That’s how deeply wired co-regulation is. Our nervous systems are always listening.

I don’t say this to make you feel badly or apply any pressure. I say this to empower you.

What It Looks Like in Practice

So, what does it actually mean to be a regulating presence for your child?

It does not mean you’re calm all the time. It means you’re aware of your internal state and energy. And, that you know how to shift those things, when needed.

It might look like:

• Taking two deep breaths before responding to your child’s behavior
• Putting a hand on your chest to ground yourself
• Getting low, softening your voice, and making eye contact with your child
• Saying, “You’re having a big feeling. I’m here with you.”

And sometimes it’s saying, “I need a moment. I’ll be back in a minute.” That’s regulation, too.

What Happens Over Time

The more often your child experiences your regulated presence, in their moments of distress, the more their brain learns:

This is what calm feels like.
This is what safety feels like.
This is what happens when I have big feelings. I don’t get punished or shamed. I get support and connection. 

This is the foundation of self-regulation. It starts with you.

Children learn to regulate by first being regulated with.

Hopefully you can see it’s not about saying the perfect thing. It’s about being the calm they can borrow from, until they can create that internal calm for themselves.

The Reframe

When your child is melting down, and your body starts to react (tight shoulders, clenched jaw, rising heat)…

Try this thought:

“I am the most powerful regulating tool in this room.”

Not script. Not the consequence.

You. Your energy. 

When you learn to pause, breathe, and hold steady, even when it’s hard, that steadiness spreads.

Because regulation is contagious.

The Takeaway

Your ability to regulate in difficult moments isn’t a nice to have. It’s a must have. Something you must work to develop.

And the more you build your own regulation muscle, the more your child learns how to build theirs.

If you work with me, I will help you develop exactly that. A nervous system that can hold the big stuff, recover from the hard stuff, and model resilience in real time.

Calm isn’t something we tell our kids to be. It’s something we show them how to become.

In your corner,
Dr. Sarah